Why You’re Not Asking for What You Want + 3 Steps to Communicate Effectively
I sit eagerly at my computer waiting for my colleague/friend to start the meeting. I sit with a white-blank document ready for career changing notes to be decorated across it. I’ve tripled checked my audio and video connection to ensure I am presenting my best, professional self. And I have snoozed all notifications on my computer so I can give my undivided attention. I am ready to unleash all my business worries, hesitations, and struggles to someone who garnered my trust to be an advocate in my very precious, very personal business venture. I am expecting insight, guidance and a cheerleader to see me through all the trials and tribulations of being an entrepreneur.
She logs on.
She is not what I expected.
My colleague came to the meeting with predetermined talking points that seemed like they were one-size fits all. The analysis conducted on my business was superficial, inaccurate, and ultimately disrespectful. I sat in the very first meeting feeling the established trust I had in mentorship slowing starting to deteriorate. I yearned myself to speak up. To say something. To stand up for myself! But I sat there, silent, motionless, not having one note gracing the white-blank document, and I left the meeting feeling defeated.
Damnit. I know how to communicate. Why didn’t I use my communication skills at that moment? Why did I let her run the table and why did I let HER run the agenda on my business?
It was not supposed to go like that.
Have you ever walked into a meeting, or any conversation for that matter, with well thought out talking points, pre-planned rebuttals, with the goal of getting what YOU want out of that conversation only to have the conversation fall flat?
Have you ever retreated from your battles with other people simply because you didn’t know where to go from there?
Have you ever left your conversations with friends and family feeling defeated?
Maybe you were asking yourself...
“Why can’t I ask for what I want?”
“Where did I go wrong?”
“How can I finally get my point across?”
As a communications consultant, my goal is to help everyone communicate more effectively in everyday life -- specifically in the workplace.
And I am right there with you. I don’t always communicate well either.
So today, I’m sharing the poor experience I had with my colleague and close friend for you to take this advice and utilize the steps laid out to become better communicators yourselves and leave every conversation and meeting getting exactly what you want!
First, we need to uncover where these conversations are going wrong.
Here’s why you can’t seem to communicate what you want -
# 1 - You forget your why
When engaging in conversations, especially negotiations, do not forget why you are asking for what you want.
I sought out mentorship and guidance because I needed direction in my business and I needed help with the business side of operations. I could create content all day long (like this blog post) and I can service my clients on a regular basis, but the operational side of business stumped me.
I forgot why I was outsourcing help and mentorship. And because I forgot why I needed this, I let her walk all over me.
# 2 - You’re being silenced
Because you forgot why you came to the conversation in the first place, you’ve already relinquished your power. Your power is your why and when you forget your why, it gives the other party room to speak in your silence.
Because I lost my power in every interaction with my colleague, I succumbed to her ideas of what my business should be. She silenced me by taunting her business plans, her ideas, and her success.
Not mine.
In fact, she even suggested I change the name of my business, that I alter my target audience, and that I change my business model.
# 3 - You lost your confidence
After my voice was silenced, I started to believe she was right. I started to lose confidence in why I went into business in the first place.
I lost confidence because I could not communicate my why. And because I couldn’t communicate my why, I continued to lose power in every meeting.
So where do you go from here? How do you communicate your why, stand up for your beliefs and ideas, and find your confidence with effective communication?
State your ‘end in mind’ at the beginning of every conversation
By stating the end in mind at the beginning of your conversations and meetings, it explicitly dictates the direction of your communication. The end in mind can include your why, what you need from the participating party, and how you plan on achieving this goal.
What I should have said to my colleague at the beginning of every meeting was:
“I appreciate the time you are taking to be an advocate for my business. The end in mind is to help my business uncover any roadblocks that are inhibiting my ability to attract new clients.”
2. Call out any yellow lights
Yellow lights are those feelings in your gut. That feeling that maybe this person doesn’t have your best interest in mind. That feeling that tells you whether this is a good conversation or not. That feeling that dictates if you will be able to stand up for yourself or not.
Don’t let those yellow lights scare you. Use them as a means to communicate.
“For some reason, the idea you just shared does not sit well with me. I appreciate you brainstorming new ideas for my business, such as changing the name of my business, but I am not comfortable with that.”
3. Restate your why as you conclude the meeting
Ok - you have stated the end in mind and you have called out any hesitations that have come up during the conversation. Now is the time to reiterate why you are having this conversation in the first place. If you think it’s redundant, it’s not. Your time and your energy is important - don’t be afraid to communicate that.
“Thanks again for your time today. I am here to help people effectively communicate in the workplace and to create better leaders in business. I’m eager to see what other recommendations and guidance you can provide to me next week when we meet.”
I hope these steps help you understand why you are feeling defeated in your conversations. I hope that these steps ultimately help you stand up for yourself and for your ideas by effectively implementing an end in mind, specifically calling out any hesitations or yellow lights and confidently communicating your why.
Because you matter. Your voice matters. And Career Civility is here to help you communicate your gift.
