Why you need Civil Dialogue to have tough conversations

Your white coworkers are scared they will say the wrong thing. 

Your black colleagues are mad no one is speaking out. 

Leadership publishes a vague “we will donate, we will do better, we must do better” type press release. 

And yet - no real conversations are being had. 

“We have become a society gridlocked by our own partisanship. While it is easiest to blame others for the lack of productive action in today’s society, at some point we must take a long, hard look at ourselves and see if our behaviors are not contributing to the problem. Such introspection might just lead us to a grassroots movement to restore the “art of conversation” by reintegrating dialogue back into our lives, perhaps even by inviting those with whom we disagree to share in such dialogue to fully examine our own beliefs and why others believe so differently, or have so little interest in the issues we find vitally important.” (Genette, Olson, Linde, 2018)

As a product of a white mother who is a republican and a black father who is a democrat - I grew up knowing that politics were not to be talked about at the dinner table and that my race was to be marked as white on any application papers. Because my household was so diverse, or divided if you will, I learned to keep quiet and to not make waves. Because of the ability to open my ears, instead of my mouth, I learned how to observe vastly different viewpoints and synthesize an understanding outside my own. 

As a practice I am deeply connected to, I offer you the practice of Civil Dialogue as a tool to embrace multiple perspectives on a complex topic in a space that welcomes and allows thoughtful dissent and powerful stories. 

So what is Civil Dialogue? 

Civility is the act of genuinely holding space for another individual while seeking to understand a perspective outside of your own. Most see civility as a need to be polite, or the act of disengaging from tough topics. I would counter the opposite - civility is what sees you through tough conversations and helps you get to the other side of said tough topics, unscathed. 

Civility is being able to sit at the dinner table and talk about why your mom voted for John McCain and your dad voted for Barack Obama and not having spaghetti fly across the room. 

Civil Dialogue is the vehicle to ignite true, authentic, thought provoking discussion around topics that either polarize so intensely or around topics that warrant a glossed-over response that is brushed under the table. 

Civil Dialogue does not seek a right answer and does not perceive a “winner”... instead, it welcomes and encourages a spectrum of divergent viewpoints.  

Civil Dialogue is a format I wish I knew about growing up so we could productively engage in discussion as a family as opposed to being kept quiet.

So how does it work? 

• Civil Dialogue begins with people - just like you. It is typically held in a public space (i.e. community center, on campus, in an office, etc) and participants are asked to show up unprepared, with an eagerness to engage on topics that may surprise them

• A Civil Dialogue consists of a host, a facilitator, a fact-checker, 5 active participants, and an audience. 

• A Civil Dialogue is designed with 5 chairs set up in a semicircle (close, but not too close) ranging from “strongly agree”, “agree”, “neutral/undecided”, “disagree” and “strongly disagree”

• To start, the host welcomes and introduces the topic with added historical context

• The facilitator introduces the provocative statement (I know - provocative makes it fun)

• Then, participants are asked to voluntarily take a chair coinciding with their viewpoint on the topic

And we begin...

• The Dialogue itself only lasts about 30-40 minutes

  • 5 minutes for introductory statements - “why did you choose the chair you chose?”

  • 15 minutes for participant discussion

  • 10 minutes for audience participation

  • 5 minutes to conclude the session

• At the end of the dialogue, the facilitator asks participants if they would like to give closing statements and potentially move chairs

  • This is an important part of the dialogue and it is symbolic because it gives the participants the ability to accept opinions outside of their own. 

  • It is also important to note that not all opinions need to change - and that is welcomed too

The most beautiful aspect of a Civil Dialogue is the ability to share perspectives without the pressure of being right. Civil Dialogue works to create shared meaning behind a polarizing topic. And sometimes - a Civil Dialogue can even help you start to digest pieces of the world you never thought you would be able to understand.  

As we start to feel and witness the changes of a systematic revolution within our healthcare system, our public safety systems, and within our own internal prejudices, let’s not underestimate the power of a simple, civil conversation.

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References -

Genette, J., Olson, C. D., & Linde, J. A. (2018). Hot topics, cool heads: A handbook for civil dialogue. Kendall Hunt Publishing Company.

Institute for Civil Dialogue