It’s About Time We Start Sharing Our Experiences as Working Mothers

Being a working mom is a part of my identity now. I went from catering to my client’s needs day in and day out to tending to my daughters needs every second of every day. Back to back meetings morphed into back to back feedings. Cleaning my inbox turned into doing loads and loads and loads of laundry. I traded angry clients for a fussy baby. I went from listening to my client’s pain points to listening to my daughter coo, babble and cry. I went from cleaning up mistakes to changing diapers all damn day. And I went from closing deals to decoding cries. And there was a lot of spit up. A lot of it.

The goal of this blog post is simply to share my experience. Because maybe if I share my experience as a woman transitioning into working motherhood, maybe, just maybe, others will feel comfortable enough to share their experience too. And we can have candid conversations about being a parent pursuing both a career alongside a family while acknowledging the areas in which our communities fall short of supporting us as a collective. 

Here’s the deal - I found empowerment in my identity as a working woman. I thrived in a blazer. And call me crazy, but standing up in front of a room full of business professionals gave me energy. I enjoyed the thrill of the preparation, the feedback, the rush of adrenaline and... the happy hour that followed wasn’t so bad either. 

And then in January 2020, I found out I was pregnant. Not only did I have no idea how to be a mom, I had no idea what that meant for my career. Mainly because I knew I always wanted to be a working mother but I never knew how hard it would be to become one. I am only beginning to embark on a lifetime of sacrifices but up until this point, these are my experiences… 

I waited until week 14 (or the second trimester) of my pregnancy to tell my boss and my coworkers. Truth be told - I found it odd not sharing the news with the people I spend 40+ hours a week with. I had an internal battle between 1)  wanting to share as soon as we found out so I could ask for and receive support at work during this transformational time and 2) not wanting to be presumptuous by sharing the pregnancy in the early stages. Ultimately, the fear of being treated differently at work and the fear of a potential miscarriage kept me silent. Please let it known that I recognize not everyone would want to share something so personal with the world (and with their work). I understand it is highly personal and everyone experiences it differently. For me, the first trimester of pregnancy was filled with constant nausea, morning sickness, extreme exhaustion, a lot of uncertainty and I craved support from those around me, work included. 

I remember talking to my husband about the God forsaken possibility of having a miscarriage (because 1 in 4 women do) and not having the space to grieve properly at work. I felt sad for the women who have had to experience such grief while hiding it 40+ hour a week at work. I felt angry about it too. I operate on the premise of bringing my whole self to work -- because I don’t want to check my identity at the door -- and yet, when you become pregnant, you are forced to put that enormous piece of your identity behind the scenes. Because it’s too personal. Because it could hinder your work. Because you could be seen as no longer capable. And because… well… because we don’t really have the space to talk about it at work. Imagine a world where you had mentors who could talk to you about promotional paths and business strategy AND how they struggled with fertility and childcare and everything that makes us who we are outside of work. 

In my experience becoming pregnant (and a first time mom), I have found that women only talk about their experience as a mother in the workplace when they are prompted to. I kept looking around at all these women I knew in my life who were moms, and who worked too, and genuinely had no idea how they did it (this shit is hard) or what their experiences were. Why did we not talk about motherhood at work? Why were we not more open about our experiences? I keep coming back to the question: aren’t we eager for more female to female support and mentorship -- no matter the subject?

And here’s where it gets even more tricky. While I did not want to be treated differently during my time physically growing a human, I also needed the workplace to recognize that I needed help. Here’s what I found I needed and what I didn’t need: 

• I needed to be able to offload some of my workload as my due date drew nearer (and probably in my first trimester too)

• I didn’t need to be working extra hours up until the day my daughter was born

• I needed more support from colleagues who have experienced this transition (shout out to the ones who stepped up and helped me understand what was to come)

• I needed to have clear expectations communicated to me about maternity leave. This includes: pay schedules, date of leave, date of return, who I can contact while I am out, who will be stepping in in my leave of absence, how I will get paid, what the “ramping period” will look like upon my return to work

• I didn’t need to be worried about working through the 15th of the month in order to obtain all my commission and paycheck. Stipulations on when a woman can go into labor in order to get paid? Wild. 

And that brings me to my next point -- paid family leave. I was pregnant and on leave during two poignant times in our society (Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization supreme court case aside). The first being that I was pregnant during the shift from commuting to an office everyday to working remote full-time. The fact that I was able to work from home made it extremely easy to hide my pregnancy. I give unlimited applause to the women who have sprinted to the bathroom after a meeting to throw up whatever slice of food didn’t make them nauseous on the spot because they didn’t have the luxury of experiencing the first trimester woes on their couch with their computer beside them. 

The second notable time was during the ‘Build Back Better’ infrastructure plan that was being deliberated in congress under the Biden Administration. The fact that I work for a company that grants 12 weeks of paid maternity leave made it extremely easy for me to recover, feed, and bond with my new baby. And the fact that paid family leave was being discussed in congress made it a hell of a lot easier for other women to have the conversation about their own experience giving birth, recovering from birth, adapting to a new family dynamic, feeding their children, finding childcare, paying for childcare, going back to work, and integrating into a work/family environment.

Needless to say, it is WILD to me that generations of women have come before me and have juggled motherhood with careers. It seems impossible. But I know it can be done. I witnessed my own mother do it. My grandmother do it. I’ve seen aunts, cousins, my sister-in-laws and friends do it. But no one talks about it. Everyone just assumes it can be done. And they make it look easy. But there’s more to the story than just that.

So as I continue to share my experience transitioning into my identity as a working mom, I invite you to share your experiences too. I invite the leaders of our organizations to step up and support the next generation of our workforce by providing the tools needed to successfully carry on our legacies (I’m lookin at you, paid family leave). As the founder of Career Civility, a communications consulting firm, I am on a mission to change the conversation in the workplace -- and that includes the conversation for working parents too.